Beware the false prophets of the Exclusive Brethren!
A couple of things dawned on me today which have not helped my outlook in the scheme of things.
Two blokes on the radio (uuurgh soap and water!) today – one a Catholic Father -the other a pastor of some new order ‘church’ in Australia. “The Halleluiah and wave your Baptist hands in the air Church” I think he said. The problem was that while the pastor was quite firm about his lot distributing tracts that tell people they are all going to hell- to fry in brimstone and lakes of fire for eternity -if they don’t go to (his) church, the Catholic bloke said “Just a cottonpickin’ minute there Pal – you have misread your bible. That’s not what the bible says at all. No-one is going to man’s vision of hell. To interpret the bible that way is stupid and grossly misleading.
Now as a Peeb kiddie – I am sure it was drummed into my tiny brain from a very young age that hell was where I was destined to go if I did not toe the line with the Brethren. As it turned out- they didn’t toe the line with me in the end and at the ripe old age of 18 -they threw me out. Up until that point in my life I had not really committed any sins that might throw into question my salvation or my grip on eternity. But my absence from the fourth row for a week or two – forever has me damned to the ‘Lake of Fire’ as they like to call it in the Exclusive Brethren Church. I was fried before I even started out in life as an adult. And before I had even committed a half decent sin.
Regardless the Peebs had my nostrils fairly flaring with the pungency of sulfur and brimstone as a kid. (If you wish to obtain a more tangible understanding on the biblical description of this – go to New Zealand – turn right at Auckland and go to Rotuarua – close your eyes and breathe deeply. Same deal apparently. All bubbling hot nastiness. And lots of rotten egg smells.
So if our theologians can’t get this moot point right- then who the hell do we believe? And don’t you dare tell me that Darby’s version of the bible is the only version to be believed- because it isn’t. He might have been clever – but he was Irish -liked a Guinness and had help apparently. According to one source he was forever sending telegrams to the blokes in Greece who had -in a moment of benevolence- sent him one of their bibles. A first edition they said. How do we know that they hadn’t had the odd Ouzo before they responded? Plus nobody liked a bit of a myth more than the Greeks. You get my point.
Which all leads very nicely into the real reason for this missive. Men of God. So called- Men of God. Self made Men of God. Men who calls themselves- er- Man of God.
If I might start with one, upon whom I have an informed opinion -Bruce David Hales. Furniture salesman, home taught accountant and manipulator of 40,000 odd bank accounts. Not to mention the odd injection of tax payer dollars. He honestly believes that he is THE man of God on earth. Over all others. All the others are -after all- in darkness. And no doubt heading to the hot place with me and the rest of you evil bastards.
Why? His Dad – and God told him so. Now I’m going out on a limb here – but were there any witnesses? Did anyone see a burning bush and hear a rumbling in the heavens? Was there a parting of the clouds and some muffled words overheard one afternoon in Ermington New South Wales? (Of all places- pffft!) The answer is NO! If Bruce heard it- no other living soul did. I know- I checked the radio reports and newspapers form the day and not a sausage of a mention about any such goings on. Now Bruce will tell you no doubt -that as he IS the Man of God- only HE could hear such things. I say -piffle!
For a start, in my book, to be a Man of God – you have to do the yards as they say in American houses of correction. You know- a few years of theology where you actually study religion religiously, where you look at things contextually – and where you behave like a future Man of God by helping those in your community for a few years. Maybe even do a bit of missionary work in a troubled land or teach a few thousand school children.
Take poor old Mother Theresa as a perfectly good example. The poor little love gave her whole life to helping others. She toiled tirelessly -surrounded by little brown faces dispensing food and warmth and love for three quarters of a century. Sadly- according to the Peebs – she was a woman in darkness in a Godless country – a Catholic (uuugh! soap and water) who may well be destined for the same eternity as me. In their estimation.
But this is not how it happens in the Peebs my friends. How it happens there is your dad taps you on the shoulder as his end draws nigh and says- “Psst! Bruce- You are the Man of God.” I’m for the high jump – but you are not! Soon all those lovely little envelopes will be arriving at your mail box.” “Yippee!” yelled Bruce before realising that he had better brush up on his doctrine. Which I note he is still doing. If this is not the worst case of nepotism I have ever heard of – I want to know what is.
Now I’m not going to knock Bruce for loving his dad. But his lot took away my right to love mine. They threw me out and all efforts to make contact thereafter were firmly and cruelly rejected until they weren’t there anymore. The Grim Reaper beat me to it.
Who – you ask- made this life-changing decision? A bloke in dungarees who lived a stone’s throw from the Canadian border, in a town where they roll the footpaths up at 6.30pm nightly from all accounts. Had he ever met me? Nope. Had he ever witnessed a so called sin on my part? Nope. Did he eradicate a threat or a scourge from his landscape? Nope. He just took the word of a vindictive, evil old bastard from my locality who – while admitting that I had done no wrong – and had indeed been badly hurt by the Brethren – had not sipped from their re-offered (but now poisoned) chalice, since their act of final rejection. This alone- was sin enough to have my life thrown upside down. I wonder how many passages of scripture say anything about this.
So when deciding whose version of Christian life you should follow- might I suggest you go for one where they actually do what Christ did and forgive a bit. Might I point you in the direction of the one that opens its heart and puts an arm around your shoulder. And beware of those that make you bow before an average man who tells you he IS God and threatens you with extinction for eternity in a cauldron of rotten egg gas if you don’t obey him.
Amen.
